lucky bastard

I think the universe is trying to tell me to lighten up.

I have been in a weird place the last couple of days here at the HOW conference. I even posted about negativity, and trying to be positive, or at least trying to be balanced.

Then, somebody I was talking to on the trade show floor GAVE me his Red Sox tickets. I told him I had looked online for tickets but was not finding anything cheap or easy, and he asked if I wanted to see the game anyway. He went away for a sec and came back with two tickets to last nights' game. Weelll, in case you live under a rock: Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter last night. First lefty since 1956. The Sox won 7-0. Jason Varitek caught his 4th no-hitter, a record. It was very exciting! It's my first visit to Boston, my first time at Fenway. The place and fans rock. They are insane. It's funny to see the main badge of honor among fans: a Sox ballcap so old and raggedy it's not even blue any more. The wearer is obviously a die-hard. And there are tons of them.

So, since then I have felt a little brighter, a little better, and have been jotting things in my notebook that have a more hopeful tone. I will post some of those notes a bit later.

Thank you, universe!

treading water, breathing fire

I have been accused of being too negative. I observe what's going on around me and laugh at it, deride it, poke holes in it, step on it. It's a deep-seated insecurity, I know. I KNOW. Like everyone else I want something to look forward to, something to inspire me. I judge constantly, but also judge myself and try to do better. I have described my crisis of confidence a bit; my ongoing internal dialogue continues to rise and fall, sway and turn, between seeking the positive and finding the negative. I have been accused of being too negative, and I have no excuse. However, I wonder: how can we discern the positive if we don't examine the negative? Besides, what does my personal disapproval of something I see as selfish, hypocritical, depressing, stupid or wrong have to do with anyone else's personal assessment? I guess a lot, if their personal assessment also uses my thoughts as part of the analysis.

I am going on 40 years old and I am still unsatisfied with life. Is that wrong? Maybe, if I don't work to discover a path that will help me do better... a couple of thoughts from my notebook this morning (I'm at the HOW Design Conference squirming with the constant contact of my own reflection):

"Millions of people are
smarter than you
and more clever
and
what does it get us?

Bitter determination to continue to try to be more clever next time?

TRY TO:
be smarter
more clever

BUT

try to
do something that matters"

That's what it comes down to: start with a purpose. What you do to be smart and clever beyond that is icing on the cake.

the problem with HOW

I am coming close to a crossroads of crisis. Sound melodramatic? It may be. I'm not sure how else to put it. I have been aware for going on two years that design may not actually be my thing.

So, I am aware of this but continue to strive to do good work in my discipline, to find work in my discipline, to succeed and be happy in my discipline. It's been a little rocky over the last couple of years, no coincidence. I left the creative department that I built to see if I could be a creative director at an advertising / design studio and was heartbroken when the owner turned out to be a piece of shit who ran the company into the ground three months after I started. Freelancing and unemployment tested my commitment to the world of design quite a bit. I finally got a corporate job that pays a living wage, but now I live as a creative janitor.

One of the perks of working for the big corporation is that they can afford to send me to a conference in my discipline. So, I jumped at the chance to come to HOW in Boston. I thought, I'll get a little creative juice, mix with my peers, see a couple of friends, have a good time.

Here's the thing: I think if I have to listen to another designer tell me about their process or their challenges or their portfolio or any other way tell me how fucking cool they think they are, I may just pierce my eardrums with a free-crap pen.

"Uh-oh!", right? What the hell am I doing at a design conference if I can't stand other designers?

ok, so

I think it's obvious that I am not the average blogger. That is to say, I suck as a "blogger." I'm pretty OK with that as a rule. However, I read over my recent posts and they're all over the place. The problem is, I don't have time to write when I really have something to write about. I also don't want to devolve into the "me on display" bullshit I see in a lot of other people's blogs. The blogs I actually read are the ones who provide a personal perspective on something else that might be interesting. I think I can do that, even in a de facto personal blog.

HOW design conference

I have some time on my hands while I am at the HOW Design Conference in Boston. Yay, right? I am not much of a blogger, to be sure, but I'll see what kinds of posts come out of this experience. I am sitting in the lobby of the Westin Hotel Copley Place, waiting for a room to be available. The hotels in Boston are slammed this weekend due to lots of college graduation activity in addition to the conference and probably the beginning of the tourist season. I had to stay in the 'burbs my first night here since there was nothing available in town. I made it down to Boston a little too early this morning, though... and now I wait. I went to register at the convention center, but my first event is not until 2 and it's 11:30 AM now.