I am a horrible conversationalist and I know it; I live inside my mind so much that most of the things people say to each other feels like it already passed through my head, so why say anything? I am terribly boring if you expect a lot of back-and-forth and a lot of interest from me regarding the subject of you. I make do; I mean, I’m not that eccentric, and people tend to like me well enough, but I know for a fact that I can’t carry my share of the load when I meet new people and I get really tired of answering questions about myself when people try to draw me out. Which is odd; most people really only love to talk about themselves, and usually are asking you questions about yourself in order to eventually tell you all about themselves.
Even higher-level conversation about art, philosophy, politics, whatever all boils down to: I believe this. Any interest in what anybody else believes is really only to gather information to compare against and validate what I believe.
When I was a kid my mother was kvetching a bit about one of her friends from work, and with a kid’s innocence I asked why that person was her friend, anyway? She explained that she was just irritated, and her friend had many redeeming qualities that would allow them to stay friends, most notably that she really listened; she wasn’t just waiting for her turn to talk. My mom said, you know what I mean? and of course I did, I just really hadn’t put a name to that particular phenomenon before. However, after she mentioned it, I started realizing that many MANY of the “conversations” I had or observed other people having were like two monologues happening at the same time. I also noticed that I frequently felt compelled to speak only if what the other person said had some familiar aspect to it:
oh, yeah, that happened to me except...
you know, I have one like that but it’s...
really? you’re blind in one eye? I have an uncle who...
and I realized that I was doing a disservice to the folks telling the story by trying so hard to relate. I think people only do that in order to make sure the person they’re talking to knows that they understand, that they really relate, but it also tends to shift the focus from a response that shows you really care. It starts to sound like all you want to talk about it yourself. Which you do, but it makes it that much more obvious...
So... what’s the point? I like this medium more than I thought I would because it does allow me to essentially speak my mind without someone on the other side just waiting for me to shut up so they can tell me their side of the story. However, it makes me a bit self-conscious because it feels hypocritical. If all of this stuff needs to be said without interrupting, why let anybody read it at all? I guess even introverts like me need external validation sometime.
Even higher-level conversation about art, philosophy, politics, whatever all boils down to: I believe this. Any interest in what anybody else believes is really only to gather information to compare against and validate what I believe.
When I was a kid my mother was kvetching a bit about one of her friends from work, and with a kid’s innocence I asked why that person was her friend, anyway? She explained that she was just irritated, and her friend had many redeeming qualities that would allow them to stay friends, most notably that she really listened; she wasn’t just waiting for her turn to talk. My mom said, you know what I mean? and of course I did, I just really hadn’t put a name to that particular phenomenon before. However, after she mentioned it, I started realizing that many MANY of the “conversations” I had or observed other people having were like two monologues happening at the same time. I also noticed that I frequently felt compelled to speak only if what the other person said had some familiar aspect to it:
oh, yeah, that happened to me except...
you know, I have one like that but it’s...
really? you’re blind in one eye? I have an uncle who...
and I realized that I was doing a disservice to the folks telling the story by trying so hard to relate. I think people only do that in order to make sure the person they’re talking to knows that they understand, that they really relate, but it also tends to shift the focus from a response that shows you really care. It starts to sound like all you want to talk about it yourself. Which you do, but it makes it that much more obvious...
So... what’s the point? I like this medium more than I thought I would because it does allow me to essentially speak my mind without someone on the other side just waiting for me to shut up so they can tell me their side of the story. However, it makes me a bit self-conscious because it feels hypocritical. If all of this stuff needs to be said without interrupting, why let anybody read it at all? I guess even introverts like me need external validation sometime.
